Ahhhh…food. Sometimes we love it. Sometime we hate it. Regardless of how we feel about it, however, we need it.
Invincibility
Food and I have had quite the rocky road. Being an athlete my whole life, I had always been able to eat whatever I wanted. I was even my dad under the table! I never understood why people felt guilty about food as it was just food – fuel for my active body. People would always ask me “where I put it all” because, being athletic and active, I always had a fast metabolism. I learned quickly, however, that having a fast metabolism wasn’t always a good thing.
The “Hanger” Games
Although I didn’t know it at the time, I had inherited something from my father related to this fast metabolism that wasn’t exactly fun: being “hangry.” Yes, I would burn through food faster. But, that also meant that I would burn through food faster! So, my body needed a constant flow of calories in order to prevent the crash that comes with a blood sugar drop.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have understood that getting cranky, shaky, irritable, weak, and tired, like my dad did when he went too long between meals (a.k.a. being “hangry”), isn’t normal (as I discuss in detail here). But, given that I didn’t know my body was showing signs of carbohydrate intolerance and insulin resistance at that time, I just ate more often, perpetuating the cycle of carbohydrate dependence.
Vegetarianism
Ethics of eating had always been an important thing for me so I even tried vegetarianism in college (although I was basically vegan as I didn’t care for many animal products like dairy, anyway). Unfortunately, I felt HORRIBLE eating that way (which I now understand is a frequent challenge for those who are hypoglycemic/carbohydrate intolerant given that such ways of eating are often heavy in carbs, like beans and pasta).
A Slave to Food
As my reactive hypoglycemia worsened, I became scared of food. I knew what my crash would feel like in an hour or two so I over ate to try and give my body just another 15 minutes of a break before having to eat again. I was a slave to food. No longer could I enjoy it. Yes, it was still fuel for me. But, no longer was it a fuel to my athletic body as that body was now riddled with inflammation due to various undiagnosed health issues and food sensitivities. Food was something I resented.
Oh how many times I commented how free I would feel if I didn’t have to eat and be at the mercy of a clock! How wonderful it would feel to not have to worry about if what I ate was going to make me feel ill in 15-30 minutes due to another food intolerance I didn’t know about. How lovely it would be to have to eat dinner before I went out to dinner just to make sure my blood sugar didn’t drop severely and cause me to feel so ill that I couldn’t enjoy dinner.
Freedom!
At the very core of it, eating a low-carbohydrate/high fat nutritional profile has given me freedom! Freedom from inflammation I could never determine the cause of. Freedom from severe reactive hypoglycemia. And, freedom from fear!
For the FIRST TIME in my life I have a healthy relationship with food! Part of my ketogenic journey was the emotional work of working through all of the above stages: Invincibility, The “Hanger” Games, Vegetarianism, and Slavery. I had to work hard to manage fear about “having to overeat” to delay the crash my hypoglycemia would bring. And, to be honest, I still have to remind myself that overeating is not needed. In fact, I still am shocked (and a little sad because all I eat is delicious food!), even after over a year on keto, at how quickly I get full! Although, thinking about it, this makes sense not only because my body is running on the squeaky clean fuel of ketones (e.g. fat) but also because I am eating such better quality ingredients.
I am also still learning my triggers (e.g. a hot shower raises my body temperature enough that it feels like I am having the same flushing that came with my blood sugar crashes). And, I have to talk to myself (sometimes out loud) that I do not have to eat that last portion of food on my plate because it no longer will be the difference between me crashing in three hours versus two. This is because I don’t have any crashes anymore! Hallelujah! And, also for the first time in my life, I enjoy cooking! Even family members have commented on how different I am in the kitchen.
The healing that keto has afforded me on so many levels – emotionally, physically, spiritually – has allowed me to find my creative spirit in the kitchen. Before keto, being a slave to food meant resentment for all of the meals I had to prepare myself (and, remember, people, these were all organic, “healthy meals” – or so I thought) just to be well. Now I am excited to cook and change my relationship with the kitchen.
Yes, I am still learning. And, there is part of me (ironically) that is sad when I am fasting or am practicing intuitive eating and don’t eat because I am not hungry. But, that is my continued journey. That is part of healing my relationship with my body. And, that is hopefully, a commitment that all of us continue to make to ourselves, whatever what of eating works best for us – to listen to our body and learn what is best for us.
May your journey also be one of freedom and healing.
