[Taken as an excerpt from my travel journal on 5/2/19.]
Today was a big day. It was my first trip healthy since my health started to unravel in 2010. I am writing this in Nashville, Tennessee. An interesting town with lots to explore. And, the best part of it is that I CAN NOW! I can take an eight hour car ride without batting an eye (when I couldn’t even travel an hour in the car when my health was at its worst). I can fast on the fly.
However, today I was tested (my first of travelling for me). My husband wanted to see Mammoth Cave on our drive down. (Side note: It’s cool but very claustrophobic! I had to take a lot of deep breaths and be very mindful to survive the trip into the caves!) The tour was two and a half hours and we had 15 minutes to wait, in addition to the bus drive there and back. So, we got the tickets and were all good to go when, as soon as I knew the tour was a “sure thing” and we started walking toward where they pick us up to take us to the entrance, I started to panic.
For the past nearly ten (but probably more like 15) years, due to having severe hypoglycemia, I have had to have a meal bar with me wherever I go in case my blood sugar starts to drop suddenly (which used to happen ALL THE TIME). It has been my physical safety net (and, let’s be honest – also my emotional safety net for when that line between the physical and emotional gets blurred). But, I didn’t have one. I didn’t know what to expect (or to even bring water) related to seeing the caves and I didn’t have time to go to the car to get something just in case.
Believe me – EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING wanted to run. To retrieve the solution to my panic attack. But, I knew it wasn’t blood sugar. It was anxiety (find out how chemically these are the same in our bodies here). My body is stable, healthy, and strong. I have to remember that. And, over and over again I reminded myself of that. In my head. Out loud to my husband. With deep breaths. I can do it (and I knew that logically). I just needed to remind myself of it.
So, I got through that and was enjoying obsessively posting on social media today out of excitement for finally being able to travel. (Although my husband said it was overboard, I enjoyed sharing my story with people!) Then, suddenly, I had a strong pang of homesickness. Of fear to be out of my realm of comfort at home with my food, my bed, my routine. It felt a bit like how I felt at certain times when I traveled to India. But, I breathed into it and, just as quickly as it came, it vanished.
I have to practice being present. Old stories and old fears come back. It’s neurology. It’s trauma (e.g. nutritional, emotional, medical). But, it’s not me anymore. I give myself (and my body) permission to live, to enjoy, to just be (without fear).
I am thankful for my body and what it has been through and how resilient it is. But, I need to move on. It will take time and I will continue to have moments where I am tested. (Will they ever even go away? I don’t know. Do I want them to go away given that they are such great reminders of my strength and where I have come from? I don’t know.) That’s life. But, now that I have the ability to physically, I choose to enjoy it. So thankful that I finally can.
Tomorrow’s a new day (like each day). Let’s see what she brings!
