Everyone likes to be appreciated. Everyone likes to be complimented. It feels good. That’s okay. That’s expected as it has to do with pleasure chemicals in the brain. And, don’t get me wrong – I appreciate it when others verbalize beauty (whether physical, relational, or spiritual) that they see in me. However, please stop telling me I’m pretty!
Why!?
When considering this request, I reflect on social media. Each time there is a picture posted with me and my mother, I can guarantee the responses: “You are so beautiful!” “Your daughter has really grown up!” “How lovely you two look!” And, it’s not limited to me. Even the comments for my mother specifically, who is a very beautiful woman on the inside, as well as related to societal beauty standards on the outside, are image-related.
So, here’s my question to you: When was the last time that, when viewing an image of a male on social media, your first instinct was to praise their physical attractiveness?
Each time I am told how “beautiful” or “pretty” I am, my worth is being reduced to who I am on the outside. I am being defined by what you see, versus what else you may know about me or what other badass-ary is going on underneath the surface. And, believe me, there is a lot more going on for me underneath my surface, as I know there is for you!
This phenomenon is also not limited to social media. My observations have taught me that most of the comments women get, even by other women, are image-related: “How cute of a dress!”, “I love your new haircut!”, “That shade of red looks great on you!”. Again, these things are not, by definition, bad things. In fact, I think it’s great that others, especially other women, are building women up! This is important particularly given that we live in a culture that thrives on unattainable beauty standards.
However, Women are more.
Ask Me About…
Please, for the love of all things holy, ask my about my career! My dog children! My travel experiences! Recent entrepreneurial adventures! Concerts I just attended! Books I’ve read! Anything! Anything other that something that simply defines me as merely an image of consumption.
In case you need a reminder, I am not my body.
Just take note – the next time you are at a gathering or a family function, what questions are asked of the men? What questions are asked of the women? Which ones are career-driven? Who is asked about their family? Their vehicles? Finances? Cooking? Childcare?
Other “Stop Its!”
Stop asking women if they are in a relationship! Women do not need to be in a relationship to be human. And, they do not owe you an explanation for why they are not in one. Maybe they just don’t want to be! And, you don’t need to respond with “Well, that’s okay” when they tell you they aren’t. Of course it’s okay! Again, revert to some of the above: “Wonderful, so how is your career going?” or “What’s the next big trip you are planning?”.
Please also stop asking women when they are going to have children. Although children have served practical (e.g. think farming) and emotional roles throughout history, women are also not defined by whether or not they have children. Millions of women and couples are choosing to not have children for a variety of reasons. You can find an interesting article on this here. The other reality is that not having children may not be voluntary for some women. So, when you ask about children, you are assuming not only that they need to be a mother to have value but they can have children, potentially re-opening a wound.
My Argument
This is the crux of my request to stop telling me that I’m pretty: help to value women using something other than external beauty as a standard or go-to. Sure, I get that we can’t know everything about someone or simultaneously ask multiple things when we first see someone. That’s not practical, anyway.
But, my argument is: “let’s think.” Consider how you could, instead, highlight how proud of a woman you are for getting a promotion at work. Ask a women about their friendships. Don’t automatically jump to “You look so beautiful!” when commenting on a post on Facebook. Offer to help someone shape their identity of themselves related to something other than physical appearance, helping to remind them that they are not just defined by physical beauty.
One of my favorite quotes about body love and the respect of others is:
“If only we remembered that we are merely souls inhabiting bodies and, therefore, saw souls, instead of bodies, how different would our world be?”
It’s not about avoiding compliments. Continue to spread that love! But, be mindful that what we acknowledge in people contributes to how they feel they are valued in the world. And, in case no one has told you lately, my dear, you are fabulous just because you are you!
